Damn Space Monkeys
by deejaymcknight
Summary: She isn't afraid of them. She just doesn't see the reason for their existence. ONE-SHOT


**Hey!  
Nightmare Revisited will be updated within the next two days but as I was playing through ME2 again I began Zaeed's loyalty mission and the monkey things started running around.**

**Guess who got an idea for a one shot?**

**Muwahahaha**

Her hand rested on the grip of her assault rifle as she looked to her left and nodded at Zaeed's suggestion of keeping her eyes peeled for any left over Blue Sun's from their last visit to the planet. It was a little over a month after the collectors had been brought down and the Normandy had gotten a signal from this planet once more. Checking her right she gave a quick nod to Miranda before the three began towards the refinery.

The walk was quiet, almost too quiet for the commander who was used to a less then welcoming greeting whenever she got off that damn Kodiak, though she had to admit she was thankful to get off of it. Uncomfortable wasn't the word to describe it, even though there was enough space for the entire team and then some on it. When there were three of them and a pilot though? Wasn't necessary.

A few feet in front of her she heard a squeak that sent a chill down her spine. Stopping dead in her tracks the two behind her stopped as well; quite puzzled to say the least. The strong and stoic Commander Jane Shepard had a look on her face of pure terror, mixed with a _bit_ more psychopath twinge then usual on a mission. Zaeed could've sworn he saw her eye twitch with an odd matching twitch of her lip. Whatever stopped her couldn't have been good, that was for sure.

Raising her gun slowly to even it out with her shoulders she swept the landscape in front of her before hearing the sound again. Snapping her body in its direction she felt her heart stop again. There it was, the cause of her mini panic attack. The team saw this movement and turned to see what she was looking at, promptly getting a stifled giggle from Miranda and a loud guffaw from Zaeed. Hearing them Jane turned her head, fire in her eyes. "_Don't _laugh. If you like living, you will shut up." She hissed which did no good for either of them. Growling some she turned again, eyeing the specimen that was a good twenty feet from her.

_Fucking Space Monkey._

She hated them, with the tails and the hopping and the weird faces. It was just something that shouldn't exist in space. Back on earth was bad enough, all the zoos with the packs of them roaming around cages. Seriously? Those things were insane. She saw all those videos on the extranet "When Animals Attack" and whatnot. She wasn't afraid, no not at all frightened by them. With the beady eyes and the big ears and the ew. She shuddered a bit before shaking her thoughts and aiming her rifle once more. Looking down the sight she pulled on the trigger softly, letting one bullet out and into the Pyjak. Okay, so the things had a politically correct name but fuck that. They were weird creepy monkey relatives.

"HA! Little bastard. Showed you didn't I?" she said with an awkward jump in the air. What did you expect from a woman weighing _maybe_ one-twenty with near a hundred extra pounds strapped to her? After her mini victory dance she turned to see the faces of two very shocked team members. Miranda couldn't even find something to say, words wouldn't even begin to form at what she had just seen. The savior of the galaxy, the woman who literally beat death and captured the operative's heart in the process was afraid of a space monkey. Like literally frozen with terror because of a creature that the Ex-Cerberus operative found pretty cute in its own way.

Zaeed on the other hand was clicking a few holographic buttons on his Omni-Tool as he pressed end record. Damn right he recorded that little run-in. Easily a million views on the extranet, knowing there were a lot of people out there searching for videos of the gorgeous commander. Some wanted action while others wanted, well…what was the extranet really used for when it came to young people? Regardless though, this video would get pretty massive views, as well as some credits. Before the commander was any wiser the mercenary uploaded it and closed the tool before bringing his hand through his thinning hair.

"_Mean. No congratulations for that shot. It was a good shot!_" the commander mumbled as she began to trudge forward, hearing the other two fall in behind her. Each time one of those things came in her sights another bullet was relinquished into it. With each bullet gone, a twisted laugh passed through her lips while they merrily continued down the paths towards the refinery. Usually when whichever squad she chose walked towards something, the path back was riddled with the bodies of enemies. This time? Not so much, though there were four very non living Pyjak's there now.

"Shepard, just because you're frightened by these-" Miranda began but was quickly cut off from her sentence.

"I'M NOT AFRIAD OF THEM!" the commander yelled loud enough to pretty much stop any rustling that came from the birds and other things above them. Seeing her reaction caused the operative to simply kink a brow and throw her weight to her left hip. Throwing a quick and silently mouthed _'watch this_' to Zaeed she waited for the man to begin recording once again. She'd get profit on this one for sure.

"Is that so? Dear god! Theres one behind you!" she said, adding an overly feminine leap and point, just to make sure she was heard. Now of course there wasn't one there, but she just couldn't pass up the opportunity to see what would happen. As soon as the words left the mouth of the woman on her side Jane shot up into attention and quite quickly leapt vertically. She actually cleared the height of the crate next to her as she stood on it, lifting a leg closer to her body as she released a clip blindly on the ground around where she had previously been standing. "DIE FURRY SATAN!" she screamed swaying the rifle left to right slightly. After the sound of gunfire was dissipated to the sounds of an empty _click click click _ of her now empty rifle before finally looking down at the ground to receive quite a shock.

No dead Pyjak.

Her eyes snapped up and caught the face of Miranda, who was now literally rolling on the floor laughing while clutching her stomach. This was a woman who barely cracked a smile, now silently laughing and begging her self for air. Ignoring this Jane turned to see Zaeed leaning against an opposite crate then her little hiding perch, quickly typing something, a laugh shaking his body as he tried to concentrate.

"You guys suck. I'm gonna leave you here" Shepard mumbled before hopping off the crate and stomping off to leave the two behind her as she continued towards whatever they had come to solve.

The distress call was a simple fire that had started burning in some abandoned part of the factory. After getting it put out via the Normandy the team left and began towards whatever else would kill time before the whole Reaper threat. After a long day of paperwork, crew debacles and supply orders, Jane was exhausted. Slipping into the elevator she rested her back against the wall and closed her eyes for the slow trip up to her quarters. Later on she'd have Miranda come up for a little while, but for now she just wanted a quick nap. It was a simple thing for the commander to ask for after the hell that had been happening for the past few months.

Everything was relaxing now, which was very welcoming. The crew was safe, her squad was alive and she was happy. It was something she hadn't felt in a long time. When the elevator dinged open at the first desk she stepped out with a smile on her face "EDI, lock my door and mute the loudspeaker. I'm gonna sleep for a little while. Anyone needs me, my comm. will be opened." She spoke as she walked into her room. "Very well commander." She heard the computer voice answer before logging out.

Stretching her arms over her head she yawned and began towards her bed before stopping dead in her tracks. The hair on the back of her neck and the ones on her arms stood as her breath caught for a moment.

There, sitting on her bed was….

A giant.

Stuffed.

Pyjak.

Safe to say the commander slept on her couch that day, until someone came in and promptly took the _thing_ away. Finally reclaiming her bed she noticed a note resting on her pillow. Lifting it her eyes fall on the familiar flawless handwriting which belong to none other then Miranda Lawson. Reading through it she narrowed her eyes at the paper.

'_Not afraid of them hmm? No worries love, I'll protect you-xxMiri'_

**BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
I had fun writing that, like seriously.**

**I know it wasn't something that'd actually happen, but it was amusing me to think it up and I knew I had to get it down before I forgot it.**

**Like I said Nightmares will be updated by Friday, maybe Saturday. **

**This was just to hold ya over ;)**


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